You changed my mourning into dancing.
You took off my funeral clothes
and dressed me up in joy
so that my whole being
might sing praises to you and never stop.
Lord, my God, I will give thanks to you forever.
Psalm 30:11-12
My mom died two days after by 32nd birthday. I knew she was in heaven, because she loved God and was walking closely with God to her last day. But there was a hole in my life, filled with grief, and I didn't feel like my life started moving forward again for three years after her death.
This passage from Psalm 30 was hard to read back then. I didn't feel like dancing, and I struggled to feel joy. I was grateful that God was a real presence to my mother throughout her cancer, but that was in my head, and I wasn't feeling grateful in my heart.
I once read that Mother Teresa, who had a deep vision from God to start a new ministry in India, did not feel God's presence for more than 40 years. She recorded her desire for feeling God's presence in her diaries, which were published after her death. Her head stayed committed to God, but her heart felt far away.
John Wesley was ordained as a priest in the Church of England as a young man, but harbored many doubts about his faith and felt far from God. It wasn't until his 30s that he had a conversation experienced where he felt his "heart was strangely warmed."
There are times in our lives when our mourning overwhelms our joy, and grief makes singing praises hard. But God gave us a "whole being," with heads and hands as well as our heart. And in the tough times in life, sometimes we sense God's presence through our work and service, and sometimes we depend on our knowledge of God's promises. Sometimes we just have to depend on others to help get us through our struggles.
Do we place too much expectation on our hearts in our faith journeys? Do we place the same value on our heads? What about our hands and feet that serve our Jesus as we see him in our neighbor needing mercy and justice? Faith isn't just about the loving feelings we have in our heart, but also the knowledge of God in our heads, and our service to God in our hands.
We don't have to rely on our feelings to maintain our faith. God is walking with us daily, regardless of what we are feeling. God knows our grief, knows our struggles, and offers us ways to praise through knowledge and service, as well as through our feelings. We can use our whole being to be with God, even when our hearts are troubled or filled with grief.
Feeling far from God? You are not alone. Jesus also gave us the gift of the Church, where other believers can walk beside us and help fill in the gaps we are feeling due to grief and loss. The writer of Ecclesiastes reminds us that there is a time for all things, and sometimes we need to walk through grief before we can feel the joy again.
If this verse from Psalms is hard right now, I encourage you to reach out and connect with God in new ways, and use the people God has put around you for strength. In my own grief, I was blessed with people who could feel joy and dance their praises to God when I was lost. They held me up, and stayed with me until I walked through my time of grief and was able to feel God's presence in my heart again.
My mourning became dancing, but it took time. My head and hands kept me connected to God when my heart was far away. Be patient, lean on others, and trust that God is still with you. Amen.
Pastor Anna-Lisa Hunter
October 3, 2023
Mom, celebrating the baptism of my sister in 1972, with me and my dad.